Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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