We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
