highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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