Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
