Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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