WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
