I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
