My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
