So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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