If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
