just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
