They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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