Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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