So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
