They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
