White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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