he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I need a beard to bite.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
