Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
