I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
