I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
