I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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