fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Still dying that you shit outside
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
