Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
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He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
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After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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