sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
