Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
