drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You are a genius and a whore.
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