Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
