Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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