you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
