Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
