I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
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Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
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As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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