i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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