I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
