You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
