watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
