sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
