I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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