I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
