we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
