Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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