I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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