Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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