YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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