She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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