I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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