You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
