If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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