think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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