i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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