We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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