This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
