I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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