And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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