I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Found your dick twin last night
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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