Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
