Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
