I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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