Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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