when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
