Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
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