If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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