It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My room smells like vodka and shame
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
